Spark of Love

God is good.

I just finished watching the movie Right to Believe. I teared up three times and honestly I haven’t cried at all in awhile.. the raw emotion, passion, and love portrayed in this movie kept my attention until the end.

A little over a year ago I believed I was homosexual. Today I am so extremely grateful for friends that didn’t sway from their beliefs and ultimately for God who eventually got through the walls I built up. I was caught in deception by Satan, but more and more Gods truth is reigning in my life. God is bringing up even small things Satan got me to believe at a young age that are still effecting me today.

In middle school one of my best friends was Helen. We had a common interest in cats and enjoyed hanging out! One day, however, I greeted her excitedly accidentally by the wrong name. She abruptly became highly offended and it was not long after that minor incident that she never spoke to me again..

Today, someone greets me “Hey Danielle!!” I immediately feel the sense to say “Hey (insert name)!” in response. However, this belief that I will say the wrong name offending them holds me back to where I end up just simply saying, “Heyy!!” with a big smile in an attempt to not be too socially awkward. I’m determined to break this fear and false truth I hold tightly.

Love is a choice. When someone takes that small extra step of saying aloud my name I feel a spark of love. It’s time I begin to return the sparks. ❤️

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I am a Child of God AND Bisexual

I used to think like so many Baptists out there.

I used to think I knew everything just by reading the Bible face value.

God shook my core and showed me I was taking the wide road.

Most Christians (definitely not all) will tell you homosexuality is a sin…an abomination. 

Then out of “love” they will point this out to someone that claims they are gay even if this gay person is clearly running after God (personally, I still make mistakes).

Instead of comforting them and embracing them just as they are they in turn push them away from God.

I did this…to myself. 

I prayed and prayed God would make me straight to protect me from myself and to please God. 

But His response wasn’t what I expected. 

He embraced me. He showered me with blessings and desires of my heart. He helped me run more after Him while being bisexual. 

I sometimes convinced myself that I was actually straight but later I realized that God didn’t want me to be ashamed of His creation. He knit every part of me. He knew what I would like and dislike. He knew who I would be attracted to and who I wouldn’t be. 

I refuse to be ashamed of part of me just because some claim that part of me is immorally wrong. God is perfect; He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. My sexual orientation is not a mistake. I refuse to hide or stay in the closet because this part of me is part of God’s creation just as my eyes, my nose, and the fact that I don’t like cilantro. 

Okay okay I don’t go around proclaiming I don’t like cilantro so why am I throwing up my hands saying I am bisexual??

Because I’m tired of people being ashamed of this part of themselves when God created EVERY part of them. I’m tired of others trying to play the judge saying that this persons sexual orientation is wrong and needs to be changed…healed…etc. 

Look at yourselves…I’m not going to insist that you straighten your hair when God made it curly…so why do you insist that I be straight when God made me bisexual? 

Do I wish I was straight? Sure. 

But God…

He makes NO mistakes. 

I am His child just as much as you are.

God is the only one who can judge each of us for we are HIS creation. 

An Apology and Confession from one Raised in a Southern Baptist Church

This will probably be the hardest letter to write in my entire life. 

I grew up in a church where homosexuality was a disgusting sin, where I was told around me that all gays were really promiscuous and all about sex. I was told that gay men often raped young boys. Yes, this was a harsh environment to grow up in. Especially when I was being told to love thy neighbor, yet detest thy gay neighbor… I was told being gay was a choice and immorally wrong. 

Fast forward to high school…I was attracted to this one guy for a little while. After him I started feeling attracted to my girl friends as well as a girl classmate. I immediately shoved the thought/feeling down and rejected it knowing it was a sin. I soon became depressed not only because another guy I became attracted to rejected me, but also because of these repressed feelings. Being gay had to be a choice if I was attracted to both men and women right? I just needed to focus on the men and choose heterosexuality…

College came quickly and before I could stop my attraction towards women I realized I had fallen in love with a friend. She was perfect to me. She was on fire for God. She was always loving and compassionate in her speech. I could sense the Holy Spirit within her. And when she would flip her hair…I became mesmerized. I imagined us on fire for God side by side. But alas, she was not attracted to me. She explained to me the verses I already knew about how it was interpreted that homosexuality was a sin. I did not choose to be attracted to her. I wanted desperately to fall in love with a man. Life would be easier and I wouldn’t be committing a sin. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take the gay out of me. I punished myself with physical harm for every girl I became attracted to. I entered a deep depression and almost killed myself… By the way she is now happily engaged to a man. 

Now, after being back home I’ve begun to realize how wrong I’ve been…How un-Christlike I’ve been. Forgive me for all these unloving thoughts that were engraved into me over the years. As I’ve slowly been deconstructing them and accepting myself more my eyes are beginning to be open to the ways of Christ. My heart has so much to say but for sake of trying to not make this too long…

Christ pursued those that were rejected by the church. He showed them His unconditional love. Through this rock hard heart of mine Christ has convinced me that being attracted to the same gender is not a choice. I have begun to find more community of loving people through the LGBTQ community than I’ve ever had before. I do not believe that being attracted to the same gender is a sin anymore. Do I still cower away in fear of what my fellow Baptists think of me for slowly coming out?  Do I fear being abandoned? Do I still try to pretend I’m heterosexual even surrounded by the LGBTQ community in person? Do I not admit that I found a church through gaychurch.org and that I simply “googled” it?

I’m ashamed to answer these questions with a yes…especially when I’m told these ideas that bisexual/pansexual people are highly active sexually. Do I want this reputation? Of course not. It’s simply not true. I’ve never had sex and I’m 23 years old AND bisexual/pansexual. It’s easier for me to come out online, but to come out in person is a challenge. Forgive me once again for being so slow to reach out in love and care for those in the LGBTQ community. Forgive me for only being able to stand up for you…for us…online. I pray that one day soon I will NOT shy away from this part of my identity out in the world. I pray that I will be able to stand along side each of you without feeling uncomfortable because of my beliefs growing up even though I am one of you. 

Lastly, please pray for me and for Christians everywhere that are being unloving. Christ, hear our prayers. Amen.

LGBTQ Homophobia: An Epidemic

She kisses her friend.
“That is wrong! You cannot do that!”
Told from age 4 to deny part of herself.

She dreams about kissing a girl.
“Homosexuality is a sin!”
As a teenager she begins to condone herself.

She loves her friend; She loves her humble spirit running after God.
“I’m praying for you like my alcoholic friend.”
Heartbroken, she hates herself.

She comes out to a friend.
“Love the sinner; hate the sin.”
Deep down she knows there is only one way to kill the “sin”.

She opens her Bible at college:
“Homosexuality is an abomination.”
Through misinterpretation she’s now standing on a chair, rope around her neck, crying out to God.

How does this story end? You tell me.
This poem is not a work of fiction. It is a true story from my life. I identify as a Christian that is pansexual. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world now, but I am also still attracted to the same gender. Many of you will be silent in response to this poem; in fact most of you will. I pray that you will not be silent for the next LGBTQ person. God loves the LGBTQ community unconditionally.

Coming Out

Roxanne held in a secret for years since she grew up in the church. She feared being kicked out if her secret got out. When she went to college she began to open up to some friends she made from the church she attended there. She was finally coming out of the closet. She had beat herself up for so long believing God condemned her…when she finally came out…things got worse. She was told she could not be a student leader at church and her friends distanced themselves and said they would be praying. She eventually convinced herself that God wanted her dead…

Fast forward a couple years, she is still alive. Roxanne was me and God knocked me on my knees with His unconditional love. He humbled me and gave me compassion towards the lgbtq community tremendously. Personally, I still am attracted to the same sex…but I have a boyfriend now and I have been blessed by his love. He is kind, sympathetic, understanding, gentle, silly, and even annoying (in a good way) at times. His actions sometime remind me of the love Jesus displays towards us. I know now after much conviction that God wants me to have a husband one day, but that does not mean I’m no longer attracted to the same sex. Would I consider myself heterosexual? Probably not, honestly. But I will follow the Lord’s will for my life to the best of my ability. Will I lose friends from this blog entry? More than likely. But something I realized last night is that the ONLY one constant is God. He knew me before I was born and He will never leave my life so I will hold tightly to Him even if I get rejected by another church. The church is not God. The Church is God’s bride. And His bride is not perfect. She is full of flaws but God still loves her unconditionally. I will not be bitter towards any church anymore because it’s a body of imperfect people so why should I expect anymore? 

Tug Of War (Poem) 

Back and forth 

Euphoric sorrow

Tears of pleasure

A paradox of emotions 

Rope burns as I pull hard

Can barely breathe now

As you pull back I realize I’m not alone

I begin to breathe

Heavier than before

As the sun beats down on us

Feeling filthy while it rains

As my toes squish the mud

And I smell our body odor

When I’m alone I can always win

Or lose if I decide to be against myself and lie in the mud

But with you there’s a bit of suspense and excitement

When you pull the rope out of my hands 

I fall

But instead of falling into the mud…

I fall for you…

And fall into your embrace. 

I’m not alone anymore.

Though there may still be tears

There is also joy.

For a rainbow does not appear without rain and the sun.

Forgiven

I had a dream last night where I called out to God about a friend that believes in Jesus but is away from Him right now. I cried if there was for some reason a way that she now has to go to hell…to take me instead so she could go to Heaven and see Gods love for her.

The good news though is because she believes in Jesus she will be in Heaven no matter what because she was forgiven for past, present, and future sins the day she started to believe. We both used to go to a church where we would get mixed signals on this truth and I believe that’s why she’s now away from God. This saddens me and weighs on my heart terribly. I wish I could communicate to her Gods immense love for her and that she would listen…but one day she will meet Him face to face. I can already see Him embracing her tightly reminding her that she is forgiven and loved. 

So on this Christmas Eve…be reassured that if you believe in Jesus, you WILL be in Heaven one day. He died on the cross for YOU. You are forgiven yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

Servant: John 13

My time working as a floater at a daycare was a learning and growing  experience for me. I apologize to those I often complained to about my job day in and day out…secretly I was thanking God for the job almost every day because it was teaching me to be a better servant. 

As a floater I had to clean several toilets more than once a day, sweep and mop floors multiple times, clean clean clean, and most importantly I had to run from classroom to classroom assisting teachers in need. There would also be times that I would have to break teachers and watch kids sleep (this honestly was my least favorite part because I would have to deal with my depression and anxiety in my thoughts). Nonetheless, God was with me everyday at the daycare. I loved serving and being behind the scenes. 

During this job, I often prayed for my future husband…but the irony is God was working on my heart to become a better future wife that would serve alongside her husband. 

Now I have a job working at CVS and to be honest it was more difficult for me at first because there I have more alone time with my thoughts. However, God has been with me helping me to get through each day and it has gotten better and better. I’m not as behind the scenes anymore considering I deal directly with you when you come to my register but know when I say good morning or have a good day…I mean it…even if you are the hundredth person I’ve served that day. There is always a silver lining each day…you just have to look for it. When you say Hi back to me or ask how I am instead of ignoring me…that’s my silver lining. So thank you. 

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”~John 13:14-15

Conviction

Have you ever been convicted so gently that you fell down to your knees? That’s how I felt today staring at the wedding ring on a guy’s finger. 

I’m not married yet, but I’m in a relationship and I need to be faithful to him not only physically but in my mind and heart as well. I haven’t been so far and he knows this yet he has not left…just as Jesus never leaves us no matter how unfaithful we are to Him. Does this mean I should continue to be unfaithful?

NO. I need to fight my flesh so that I can eventually be a Proverbs 31 wife one day. It’s not fair to him for me to be unfaithful. He deserves someone who is faithful and running after God. 

The irony is while asking for a few close friends to pray for me…I’ve actually become more unfaithful and have felt too ashamed to reach out to those praying. 

It’s a daring move for me to post this publicly but I believe the first step to recovery is admitting openly that I have a problem. So if you have not figured it out by now through this post or my last few…Yes I struggle with an addiction and I need all you prayer warriors out there to pray for me. I need to be free from this not only for my boyfriend but for God. 

Depression and Anxiety 

Refusing to leave his bed

Staring at the clock

Each second that passes causing his heart beat to race

Feeling paralyzed as his phone is ringing 

Just pick up the phone they say

But he cannot with his blood pressure rising

Answering machine picks up…

“Hey Daryl, where are you? You said you would hang with us-”

He feels a fever rushing on

Sick to his stomach running to the sink

Loneliness feeding his depression

But his anxiety keeps him there.