The Excursion Pt. 3 of 3

“Encouragement” and I arrived to the last friend from my past for this excursion. She was one of my mentors during college and in this entry she will be referred to as “Steadfastness”. No matter what’s thrown at her, she is always steadfast. Even in the times I saw her break, it wasn’t long before she was back on her feet again. Honestly, I probably didn’t help with that in college. I was probably the worst person to mentor. I was desperate for God, but way too caught up in lies to believe certain truths being thrown at me left and right.

It’s funny how the enemy works. He will paint those that are pointing you to the Lord in a negative light and twist what they say. That’s what happened for me in college. She would remind me of the gospel while giving me truth/correction from the lies I was believing. I couldn’t hear her fully because I was so stuck in lies that God wanted me dead for being homosexual. (Thankfully, God got me out of that lie and now I’m waiting on my future husband!) No matter how many times she mentioned Jesus and His blood…I promise it didn’t stick but flew right over my head. All I could think about was my dark apartment, self harm, and that God didn’t want anything to do with me. Loving words of correction were the only things that I’d catch except through my broken hearing and broken lens all I could see and hear was that I was failing miserably and a hopeless case.

Something in me was so desperate to be loved wholly and completely by a perfect and almighty God. I remember one day at church in the front row with “Encouragement” beside me. I believe “Ambition” was close by as well. I remember just feeling so empty, so broken, so desperate as I put my head down and just began praying silently the same phrase over and over, “I need You, Jesus…” over and over as I rocked slightly back and forth. I remember “Steadfastness” coming over and others coming and surrounding me while praying over me. I can’t tell you what exactly they prayed, but I can tell you looking back at it now… remembering that moment…God was trying to show me that He had been there all along through each of these people I encountered. I felt so much peace in that moment and I wish I could say it lasted and that I graduated, but alas as you probably are already aware…I have not graduated college and ended up dropping out later down the road.

Seeing “Steadfastness” again during this expedition I had to face myself and how I had missed listening and hearing her more often than not. I had to admit within myself that during college I ended up listening to Satan and his lies way too often and it’s no wonder I ended up dropping out. What’s crazy? I distinctively recall a young child giving me a drawing of a rainbow with an angel of light on the back. I believe that was God warning me that the devil comes into our lives disguised as an angel of light…but alas I’m here to tell you from experience he only comes to kill, steal, and destroy your life.

God truly has blessed “Steadfastness” in her life with a family of her own and seeing her persist through it all really is inspiring. After catching up with her and getting back home, she really hit me with the grace of God just a couple nights ago.

I had started seeing all of my sin and failures again…I was beginning to drown in my sin…when BAM she reminded me that I’m covered by the blood of Christ. I wish in college I had been able to hear. I’m so thankful this time it just really hit me in all the right ways. Maybe that’s just one reason why I felt so full of life and light this morning. God’s grace truly is our strength to stay steadfast. God’s Grace gives us the strength to be obedient as well. We love because He first loved us.

After visiting with “Steadfastness”, “Encouragement” persisted that I step foot again on the campus of the college I dropped out of. Nervous of raw emotions I would feel I hesitated but pressed on reluctantly. I parked near the apartments I had almost taken my life in. Though it was now four years later, the emotions felt so real as we walked within the apartment complex. Walking by my apartment was honestly a little haunting as I recalled so many times I had hurt myself and had suicidal pulls. Without “Encouragement” there, I don’t think I would have gotten so near. As we walked by the Baptist Student Ministry building so many emotions came bubbling up. I remembered my desperation for God and alone times reaching out to Him. As we walked by some benches facing a public road, I recalled so many times I had cried hoping for someone to approach me and ask me if I was okay. As we approached the student union, I recalled alone time with God when no one else was around inside.

So much emotion bubbled within me, but I also felt something new…something different…I felt this peace that surpasses all understanding that can only be explained by God. I just know He wants me to finish college. I have a gut feeling He wants me to finish there. I’ve been looking elsewhere, honestly, but there’s something about the entire excursion God led me on. I don’t believe in coincidences. God is in every little detail. I’m soooo thankful “Encouragement” was with me through the excursion. Without her, I may have never walked foot on the campus so soon. I’m pretty sure four years though is pretty much already an eternity…so honestly it was about time I faced my past. God is sooo good…All the time.

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Love for God

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds. Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. For ye are not come unto the mount that might be touched, and that burned with fire, nor unto blackness, and darkness, and tempest, And the sound of a trumpet, and the voice of words; which voice they that heard entreated that the word should not be spoken to them any more: (For they could not endure that which was commanded, And if so much as a beast touch the mountain, it shall be stoned, or thrust through with a dart: And so terrible was the sight, that Moses said, I exceedingly fear and quake:) But ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, To the general assembly and church of the firstborn, which are written in heaven, and to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, And to Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. See that ye refuse not him that speaketh. For if they escaped not who refused him that spake on earth, much more shall not we escape, if we turn away from him that speaketh from heaven: Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying, Yet once more I shake not the earth only, but also heaven. And this word, Yet once more, signifieth the removing of those things that are shaken, as of things that are made, that those things which cannot be shaken may remain. Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear: For our God is a consuming fire.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1-29‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I know reading all of Hebrews 12 is a ton, but I could not cut it down shorter without missing something. I definitely do not want to take any one scripture out of context for this entry so I decided to keep it all. Honestly, if you skipped over it with how long it was please go back and read it. I’d much rather you skip over what I’m writing than God’s Word up above.

This entry is coming from a place of broken conviction. Two friends over the past couple of days have commented about me walking in obedience and/or doing so well in following the Lord’s will for my life.

I’m here to shed light on the fact that I’ve been struggling again…backsliding into a habitual sin that I’ve felt too much shame about to reach out for prayer at church or to get out of the quicksand.

God revealed to me a broken pair of glasses in a dream then 3 broken glasses respectively in real life. God showed me through them that my fleshly desires have been skewing my vision allowing for toxicity to enter in… And that only through a lens of truth (His Word) can I restore my vision to follow His will for my life.

Then I stumbled upon Hebrews 12. There is so much portrayed within this one chapter that I’m even still trying to wrap my head around it all and what God’s showing me.

The enemy throws shame at me as a way to keep me down. It’s not of God, and just as Jesus despised shame upon the cross…I am called to do the same. Instead of seeing myself as a complete failure and THE problem (this is where my vision has become skewed), I need to remember that this war is not against flesh but spiritual. The sin is the problem. God corrects His children not in violence but in love.

He revealed to me so much brokenness around me today after reminding me that I am part of the body of Christ. As long as I’m engaging in a habitual sin I essentially am harming the rest of the body. If you have the flu, it seriously hinders you in so many ways. You cannot just contain it within a single finger and cut that off…you must get healed from it before the whole body heals again. Engaging in a habitual sin is like me choosing to inject the whole church body with the flu…Once I stop, the body can heal.

Forgive me for not simply leaving the church during this struggle, but without the church I am destined to sink completely. I have already gone that route in the past and we are not meant to go through this life alone. I need your forgiveness and prayer. Forgive me for hiding behind a smile today instead of reaching out. Forgive me for being selfish and prideful. Pray for my love for God and then my love for the church to be greater than my pull to sin. May I strive against sin resisting unto blood as described in scripture above. Pray for a passion to truly spark for me to dive into God’s Word.

“O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.”

– ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬

If you’re reading my Excursion posts…part 3 will hopefully be posted tonight or tomorrow.

The Excursion Pt. 2 of 3

“Encouragement” helped me to press on to my college town. I had put off going back for way too long, but as we got closer the memories started flooding in.

We eventually arrived to my friend’s door who I’m going to refer to as “Ambition” in this blog. Though she is still in our college town she has an ambition and passion to serve the Lord no matter where that may lead, even if she becomes led to move across the country. Though there is still uncertainty of where the future may lead, she knows God has plans. If for some reason she doesn’t, her ambition shows otherwise.

“Encouragement” and I went on a walk with “Ambition” to go eat Thai food. On our way we encountered a sheep calling out! We didn’t actually see the sheep so at first we were all just startled by the noise. To be honest, it was quite obnoxious and annoying. Then I really tried to figure out what it was.. it just dawned on me suddenly that it was a sheep!!! We are just like that sheep when we cry out to the Father. Others around us may take a moment to realize we are in distress (we may even annoy others just as this sheep was annoying), but God knows our voice and our cries. He NEVER leaves us. He wants that intimacy with us.

Just as much as He knows our voice, He longs for us to press into Him so we can learn to discern His voice. When I wander off His will for my life I can be easily led astray when I haven’t been spending time in His Word learning all about Him and His goodness. I had been crying out like that essentially to God before this excursion because I’ve been so desperate to know His will for my life… but in reality I need to be pressing into His Word listening for Him so that I am able to hear when He speaks and discern that it is Him.

I had also put off this entry for a few days not purely due to exhaustion, but honestly I was leaning on a lie that the testimony of my journey isn’t very impactful. I allowed that thought to keep me down and discouraged. Then suddenly I realized first of all that it doesn’t matter how I feel. God is almighty and He can work wonders through each of us no matter how insignificant we may feel. Through Jesus we can change the world.

The Thai food was good and it was nice speaking and catching up with “ambition”. Through conversation with her I was definitely feeling ambitious to get back to college.. just not sure what that’s going to look like.

Plus, I still have one more blog to share about the journey!! One more friend to see then walking on campus again and what that was like.. It may just be the longest entry in the excursion. We will see soon!

The Excursion Pt. 1 of 3

“Excursion: a short journey or trip, especially one engaged in as a leisure activity.”

This day long trip was definitely not that of leisure, but one that has been put off for far too long.

Disclaimer: This blog entry in no way condones self-harm. If at any time you feel triggered, please reach out to someone. You are not alone. You are a precious child of God who is not the author of evil, but of good. His plans are not of harm for you, but filled with hope.

For months, I have been feeling led to go back to Denton to heal from the past darkness I experienced during college. Getting my license took all my excuses off the table, but God took it a step further when four friends would all be available during this trip with such short notice.

All names of those I visited or joined me along this excursion are off the table. This journey is about what God did through everyday sinners like you and me, that I just happened to have connection with while in college who all played key roles during that time. Forgive me for such a long set of entries, but I promise this journey did not disappoint. God showed up.

Just as Moses needed Aaron, I needed a friend through my excursion. I was reluctant at first due to putting friends before God in the past…but this time was different. God showed me it was all in His plan. This friend will be referred to in this blog as “Encouragement” because she was nothing less than encouraging during the entire journey. She knew what the entire purpose of the journey was: to heal from life’s hurts.

Our first stop was at my friend’s door who will be referred to as “Humbleness”, because that’s exactly what God showed me in her. She was married to a guy I’m going to refer to as “Candid”, because he was very direct which honestly opened my eyes to a perspective I had not seen before. Being greeted by “Humbleness”, really helped calm my anxiety as this journey really was just beginning.

Flashback to college: I was immersed in a world of deception believing I was homosexual and feeling attracted to “Humbleness”. The enemy had me in a state of confusion. Had God really prompted me to start praying for my future “husband” or had I just implied it being the norm? She had tried to get me to see this deception, but at the time I was already too far gone in the lies.

Back to the present: I shared with “Humbleness” parts of my testimony. When I started referencing to my past of scratching my knees into wounds, “Candid” had a word. He asked how my prayer life had been: if there was any spiritual connection with cutting at the knees. At the time I was taken aback and immediately defended my position that I prayed often during that time on my knees. Now thinking back, I don’t know if that’s actually true. I prayed often in defeat while in college but the knee thing didn’t start until I dropped out and was back home. I was at an even lower point in my life…and right before going to Mercy Multiplied I had hit rock bottom. That time was so completely dark in my life, that if there was prayer it was not very hopeful and more bleak than anything… why would The God of the universe want to hear my prayer? God opened my eyes further on this after getting home. In college during my dark times, I would struggle with the self harm of choking myself. I needed to speak up, but anxiety and fear were my closest friends. Through Mercy I’ve learned to speak up a lot more now, but recently I started an anxious habit I’m not proud of. I don’t do it consciously speaking as a way to harm myself, but I DO scratch my ears…a LOT. I’m talking right now, in the present moment, if you looked at my ears you’d probably be concerned like my mom is… I’m constantly trying to hide them…It dawned on me that God’s been allowing it in order to get my attention… My attention to LISTEN.

Again, God is NOT the author of evil. He does, however, allow certain things in order to get our attention, etc. I’ve been talking…rambling on and on to God lately…but not doing near enough listening. And when the Holy Spirit has been prompting me multiple times to stop in a particular habitual sin, I have been ignoring Him.. I did more listening when I was living in deception, believe it or not… I just listened TOO much…because instead of speaking truth against lies, I meditated and listened to lies grasping them way more than the truth. Listening to them so much that at times, I (seriously) went half deaf in a literal sense. Again, God trying to get my attention to STOP listening to so many lies…and to speak the truth against them. Thankfully, God sent friend after friend in my life to speak truth to finally break through the barrier to where I could begin speaking the truths while at Mercy.

Now, however, He is calling me to listen to what He has to show me. I’ve been constantly asking where He has me going next in my life, but have had so many different directions I’m feeling pulled towards. I need to dive into His Word and experience again the hunger that “Humbleness” had for His Word while I visited with them. Her passion and desire to read the context of every verse read really excited me and sparked Jeremiah 33:3 in me: “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.”

Candid” helping me to see this entire new perspective of my self-harm really opened my eyes to how much God is into the details of our lives. Something is off in our lives spiritually when self-harm is taking root. I can attest to this for sure.

Encouragement” really helped me to press forward on to the next friend along the way after facing some parts I already hadn’t desired to go to.

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”-Galatians 6:2

Part 2 coming soon…but for now sleep

I Was Born Gay

In this blog I’m about to deconstruct the phrase that everyone these days throws around, “I was born this way!” In today’s world, our reason for having certain identities, sexuality’s, stutters, disorders, etc is that we were simply born that way. You cannot judge me because I didn’t CHOOSE to be born this way!

You’re right. You didn’t choose.

However, what if I were to tell you that you can choose to chip away things you were born with that truly are NOT you? What if I told you we are here to figure out who the REAL us is underneath what we were originally born as?

It’s like a caterpillar that eventually becomes a butterfly…nothing like how he was born.

Are you still following me with where I am going?

Let me take you on a journey.

A journey of who I was born as VS. who I am becoming.

I was born into sin. From a very young age I knew I was different. I’ve been attracted to girls for as long as I can remember. Instead of thinking I had any sort of choice in the matter, I began to fight against myself in college. Self-harm was frequent and suicide was often on my mind. I was born with a one way ticket to hell.

But Jesus. This King of kings DIED for me to get me out of hell!

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”~2 Corinthians 5:17

Through Christ, I am able to chip away the sins I was born into from my life. I have the choice to allow God to help me to become completely new from the inside out.

There are programs out there to completely “get the gay out,” but honestly I don’t believe these are totally of God. You have to balance MERCY and TRUTH for God to be in the picture.

With just truth you get deadly consequences, but with just mercy there is no lasting change.

There has to be a balance.

I’m telling you now that homosexuality is an evil spirit that has DECEIVED so many of us and so many are getting sucked into it’s evil agenda. This spirit didn’t full force deceive me and pull me into its agenda personally until AFTER I felt the Holy Spirit calling me to pray for my future husband. What does that tell you?

I may be currently single, but whoever my future husband is missed a lot of prayer from me because I was convinced that I was gay and that I had no choice otherwise. So many prayers for him unspoken and for that I am deeply grieved and sorry to whoever you are.

However, there is hope:

“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.”~1 John 3:1

I have called upon the name of Christ. I know He has died for me and you upon the cross and has risen again! Jesus is my Savior and He has also died for you so that we can all be sons and daughters of God. We no longer have to be who we were. Through Jesus Christ ALL things are possible. We can become completely new: the real us beneath all the sin.

I may have been born gay and I may still have moments where I feel attracted to another woman but through Christ I am becoming new.

Future husband, I pray that the LORD has protected you even while I strayed to follow the wolf in sheeps clothing. I pray you are running after God.

This evil spirit of homosexuality is well disguised, but I’m telling you, reader, that it’s not of God. Show mercy to your brothers and sisters that have fallen for the lies, but please also tell them the truth.

“And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.

Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.

For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.~Romans 8:10-13

I Will Rise

Tomorrow marks one year from the day I graduated.

Not what you’re thinking.

Not from college.

Not from school.

I graduated from a residential program in the small town of Monroe, Louisiana.

Residential?

Yes, I was there at for almost 7 full months of my life with No internet. No cell phones.

When asked what I’d been up to when I first got back home I skirted past the question just stating I’d been taking a “break” from college.

I wasn’t ashamed that I had needed help…but perhaps…too prideful to admit that I had dropped college and needed to go to this program, Mercy Multiplied, just to feel safe from myself. I had always been goody two-shoes growing up. Straight A’s with the occasional B’s… To admit that college just became too much for me… To admit that I couldn’t live with myself… To admit that I was scared… To admit that I had lost my identity…

Typing this blog is the scariest thing I have done in awhile…But if my cousin Maddie can be real with you and Ithen so can I.

I’d like to tell you that I’m 100% better after Mercy Multiplied, but I would be lying to you. I am WAY better, but there are still days where I’m dragging myself out of bed…

Nights where my nails brush against my skin where I have an urge to scratch hard…but I don’t.

Days where I wish so desperately to be back in a house full of sisters to shake the loneliness and feelings of the lack of quality time with friends I now have with how fast-paced the real world is.

But God.

God has been at work in everything.

Through that random perfect timing phone call from Jan every so often.

Through a page in a book reminding me that even when I fall I can still choose to rise.

Through my mom working the same job as me four days a week bringing us together.

Through my cat, Loki, who just seems to know when to make me smile and laugh.

Through a simple daily wristband to encourage me through the day.

Through my church family that still welcomes me when I miss a few Sundays.

Needless to say, I’m anxious for the future God has for me. I know He has amazing plans, but right now I feel nowhere near.

But God.

And that’s when I read that God’s plan right now for me is to be faithful in the little things. Only then can he trust me with bigger.

I may not be perfect.

I may still fall down.

We all do.

There is, however, a truth you must know.

We can choose to rise after we fall 70 times.

I will rise.

Spark of Love

God is good.

I just finished watching the movie Right to Believe. I teared up three times and honestly I haven’t cried at all in awhile.. the raw emotion, passion, and love portrayed in this movie kept my attention until the end.

A little over a year ago I believed I was homosexual. Today I am so extremely grateful for friends that didn’t sway from their beliefs and ultimately for God who eventually got through the walls I built up. I was caught in deception by Satan, but more and more Gods truth is reigning in my life. God is bringing up even small things Satan got me to believe at a young age that are still effecting me today.

In middle school one of my best friends was Helen. We had a common interest in cats and enjoyed hanging out! One day, however, I greeted her excitedly accidentally by the wrong name. She abruptly became highly offended and it was not long after that minor incident that she never spoke to me again..

Today, someone greets me “Hey Danielle!!” I immediately feel the sense to say “Hey (insert name)!” in response. However, this belief that I will say the wrong name offending them holds me back to where I end up just simply saying, “Heyy!!” with a big smile in an attempt to not be too socially awkward. I’m determined to break this fear and false truth I hold tightly.

Love is a choice. When someone takes that small extra step of saying aloud my name I feel a spark of love. It’s time I begin to return the sparks. ❤️

I am a Child of God AND Bisexual

I used to think like so many Baptists out there.

I used to think I knew everything just by reading the Bible face value.

God shook my core and showed me I was taking the wide road.

Most Christians (definitely not all) will tell you homosexuality is a sin…an abomination. 

Then out of “love” they will point this out to someone that claims they are gay even if this gay person is clearly running after God (personally, I still make mistakes).

Instead of comforting them and embracing them just as they are they in turn push them away from God.

I did this…to myself. 

I prayed and prayed God would make me straight to protect me from myself and to please God. 

But His response wasn’t what I expected. 

He embraced me. He showered me with blessings and desires of my heart. He helped me run more after Him while being bisexual. 

I sometimes convinced myself that I was actually straight but later I realized that God didn’t want me to be ashamed of His creation. He knit every part of me. He knew what I would like and dislike. He knew who I would be attracted to and who I wouldn’t be. 

I refuse to be ashamed of part of me just because some claim that part of me is immorally wrong. God is perfect; He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. My sexual orientation is not a mistake. I refuse to hide or stay in the closet because this part of me is part of God’s creation just as my eyes, my nose, and the fact that I don’t like cilantro. 

Okay okay I don’t go around proclaiming I don’t like cilantro so why am I throwing up my hands saying I am bisexual??

Because I’m tired of people being ashamed of this part of themselves when God created EVERY part of them. I’m tired of others trying to play the judge saying that this persons sexual orientation is wrong and needs to be changed…healed…etc. 

Look at yourselves…I’m not going to insist that you straighten your hair when God made it curly…so why do you insist that I be straight when God made me bisexual? 

Do I wish I was straight? Sure. 

But God…

He makes NO mistakes. 

I am His child just as much as you are.

God is the only one who can judge each of us for we are HIS creation. 

An Apology and Confession from one Raised in a Southern Baptist Church

This will probably be the hardest letter to write in my entire life. 

I grew up in a church where homosexuality was a disgusting sin, where I was told around me that all gays were really promiscuous and all about sex. I was told that gay men often raped young boys. Yes, this was a harsh environment to grow up in. Especially when I was being told to love thy neighbor, yet detest thy gay neighbor… I was told being gay was a choice and immorally wrong. 

Fast forward to high school…I was attracted to this one guy for a little while. After him I started feeling attracted to my girl friends as well as a girl classmate. I immediately shoved the thought/feeling down and rejected it knowing it was a sin. I soon became depressed not only because another guy I became attracted to rejected me, but also because of these repressed feelings. Being gay had to be a choice if I was attracted to both men and women right? I just needed to focus on the men and choose heterosexuality…

College came quickly and before I could stop my attraction towards women I realized I had fallen in love with a friend. She was perfect to me. She was on fire for God. She was always loving and compassionate in her speech. I could sense the Holy Spirit within her. And when she would flip her hair…I became mesmerized. I imagined us on fire for God side by side. But alas, she was not attracted to me. She explained to me the verses I already knew about how it was interpreted that homosexuality was a sin. I did not choose to be attracted to her. I wanted desperately to fall in love with a man. Life would be easier and I wouldn’t be committing a sin. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take the gay out of me. I punished myself with physical harm for every girl I became attracted to. I entered a deep depression and almost killed myself… By the way she is now happily engaged to a man. 

Now, after being back home I’ve begun to realize how wrong I’ve been…How un-Christlike I’ve been. Forgive me for all these unloving thoughts that were engraved into me over the years. As I’ve slowly been deconstructing them and accepting myself more my eyes are beginning to be open to the ways of Christ. My heart has so much to say but for sake of trying to not make this too long…

Christ pursued those that were rejected by the church. He showed them His unconditional love. Through this rock hard heart of mine Christ has convinced me that being attracted to the same gender is not a choice. I have begun to find more community of loving people through the LGBTQ community than I’ve ever had before. I do not believe that being attracted to the same gender is a sin anymore. Do I still cower away in fear of what my fellow Baptists think of me for slowly coming out?  Do I fear being abandoned? Do I still try to pretend I’m heterosexual even surrounded by the LGBTQ community in person? Do I not admit that I found a church through gaychurch.org and that I simply “googled” it?

I’m ashamed to answer these questions with a yes…especially when I’m told these ideas that bisexual/pansexual people are highly active sexually. Do I want this reputation? Of course not. It’s simply not true. I’ve never had sex and I’m 23 years old AND bisexual/pansexual. It’s easier for me to come out online, but to come out in person is a challenge. Forgive me once again for being so slow to reach out in love and care for those in the LGBTQ community. Forgive me for only being able to stand up for you…for us…online. I pray that one day soon I will NOT shy away from this part of my identity out in the world. I pray that I will be able to stand along side each of you without feeling uncomfortable because of my beliefs growing up even though I am one of you. 

Lastly, please pray for me and for Christians everywhere that are being unloving. Christ, hear our prayers. Amen.

LGBTQ Homophobia: An Epidemic

She kisses her friend.
“That is wrong! You cannot do that!”
Told from age 4 to deny part of herself.

She dreams about kissing a girl.
“Homosexuality is a sin!”
As a teenager she begins to condone herself.

She loves her friend; She loves her humble spirit running after God.
“I’m praying for you like my alcoholic friend.”
Heartbroken, she hates herself.

She comes out to a friend.
“Love the sinner; hate the sin.”
Deep down she knows there is only one way to kill the “sin”.

She opens her Bible at college:
“Homosexuality is an abomination.”
Through misinterpretation she’s now standing on a chair, rope around her neck, crying out to God.

How does this story end? You tell me.
This poem is not a work of fiction. It is a true story from my life. I identify as a Christian that is pansexual. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world now, but I am also still attracted to the same gender. Many of you will be silent in response to this poem; in fact most of you will. I pray that you will not be silent for the next LGBTQ person. God loves the LGBTQ community unconditionally.