I Was Born Gay

In this blog I’m about to deconstruct the phrase that everyone these days throws around, “I was born this way!” In today’s world, our reason for having certain identities, sexuality’s, stutters, disorders, etc is that we were simply born that way. You cannot judge me because I didn’t CHOOSE to be born this way!

You’re right. You didn’t choose.

However, what if I were to tell you that you can choose to chip away things you were born with that truly are NOT you? What if I told you we are here to figure out who the REAL us is underneath what we were originally born as?

It’s like a caterpillar that eventually becomes a butterfly…nothing like how he was born.

Are you still following me with where I am going?

Let me take you on a journey.

A journey of who I was born as VS. who I am becoming.

I was born into sin. From a very young age I knew I was different. I’ve been attracted to girls for as long as I can remember. Instead of thinking I had any sort of choice in the matter, I began to fight against myself in college. Self-harm was frequent and suicide was often on my mind. I was born with a one way ticket to hell.

But Jesus. This King of kings DIED for me to get me out of hell!

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”~2 Corinthians 5:17

Through Christ, I am able to chip away the sins I was born into from my life. I have the choice to allow God to help me to become completely new from the inside out.

There are programs out there to completely “get the gay out,” but honestly I don’t believe these are totally of God. You have to balance MERCY and TRUTH for God to be in the picture.

With just truth you get deadly consequences, but with just mercy there is no lasting change.

There has to be a balance.

I’m telling you now that homosexuality is an evil spirit that has DECEIVED so many of us and so many are getting sucked into it’s evil agenda. This spirit didn’t full force deceive me and pull me into its agenda personally until AFTER I felt the Holy Spirit calling me to pray for my future husband. What does that tell you?

I may be currently single, but whoever my future husband is missed a lot of prayer from me because I was convinced that I was gay and that I had no choice otherwise. So many prayers for him unspoken and for that I am deeply grieved and sorry to whoever you are.

However, there is hope:

“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.”~1 John 3:1

I have called upon the name of Christ. I know He has died for me and you upon the cross and has risen again! Jesus is my Savior and He has also died for you so that we can all be sons and daughters of God. We no longer have to be who we were. Through Jesus Christ ALL things are possible. We can become completely new: the real us beneath all the sin.

I may have been born gay and I may still have moments where I feel attracted to another woman but through Christ I am becoming new.

Future husband, I pray that the LORD has protected you even while I strayed to follow the wolf in sheeps clothing. I pray you are running after God.

This evil spirit of homosexuality is well disguised, but I’m telling you, reader, that it’s not of God. Show mercy to your brothers and sisters that have fallen for the lies, but please also tell them the truth.

“And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.

Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.

For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.~Romans 8:10-13

LGBTQ Homophobia: An Epidemic

She kisses her friend.
“That is wrong! You cannot do that!”
Told from age 4 to deny part of herself.

She dreams about kissing a girl.
“Homosexuality is a sin!”
As a teenager she begins to condone herself.

She loves her friend; She loves her humble spirit running after God.
“I’m praying for you like my alcoholic friend.”
Heartbroken, she hates herself.

She comes out to a friend.
“Love the sinner; hate the sin.”
Deep down she knows there is only one way to kill the “sin”.

She opens her Bible at college:
“Homosexuality is an abomination.”
Through misinterpretation she’s now standing on a chair, rope around her neck, crying out to God.

How does this story end? You tell me.
This poem is not a work of fiction. It is a true story from my life. I identify as a Christian that is pansexual. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world now, but I am also still attracted to the same gender. Many of you will be silent in response to this poem; in fact most of you will. I pray that you will not be silent for the next LGBTQ person. God loves the LGBTQ community unconditionally.

Step 1- Powerlessness

I am not an alcoholic, but I do have two addictions… Self-harm and Pornography. They are tearing me apart and I have never been so low in my life until now. I had dreams and aspirations of spreading the Gospel of Jesus across the world, especially India (not sure why but India has been on my heart for a long time). Now, I have choked (literally) any possible chance of that happening out of me through my addictions. I’ve landed in hospitalization twice, been on four different medications for my depression, and will be paying back not only student loans but hospitalization bills, Psychiatrist bills, and counselor bills for the rest of my life. I’m so low right now I cannot even work or go to school which leaves me to question how I’m supposed to pay all these outlets that are meant to keep me alive. I feel completely and utterly powerless because the Lord will not even let me go. I have traumatized myself with the hell I have put myself through and there is no way I would wish anyone to go through this. I want to be single the rest of my life because I do not want to have to weigh down someone with all the sorrow and pain I have caused myself. I used to dream of having three children: two girls and one boy. Now, after watching all these movies where mothers committed suicide or struggled with depression….I cannot bear to put a child through all of this. I have a really close friend whose mom has struggled with severe depression and it caused her to be really angry with her mom and I can feel her pain. I don’t want to keep causing people pain. I want people to experience God’s love and forgiveness which is so real. I’ve cried myself to sleep the past three nights not only because of how much I have traumatized myself, but because of how God loves me too much to let me go. I have screwed up so much this year that it’s really depressing. You will laugh at this…the one thing that cheered me up tonight was watching Grumpy Cat’s movie on Lifetime. It had truth in it about how cruel and unloving the world really is…but there is still love if you look hard enough. And even when people do not love you back…love them unconditionally anyways. That’s what Jesus did. It does not matter what a person looks like, what their sexual orientation is, where they work, where they go to church, etc… Jesus looks at the heart and is FULL of love that I cannot even begin to explain. It’s funny though…I did not experience His love through who you would expect: those that go to church every Sunday and proclaim to be following Jesus. I experienced His love through a “retired” cheerleader who rarely prays and only keeps Bibles with writing in it in her room. I experienced His love through a Bipolar girl who is passionate about astrology and moon signs yet is unafraid to talk in public about how much God has loved her while crying. I experienced His love through a girl who struggled with homosexuality and dropped out of school yet talks openly every chance she gets about the love of Jesus. You see…Jesus is really full of love.

A Just God

The other day after I fell into sin through pornography, guilt and anger overwhelmed me. I desperately wanted to self-harm, but I knew that if I did that I would have been saying that I am the judge of my actions instead of God. I also would have been implying that Jesus wasn’t enough… Still…I felt like I needed some form of punishment and I knew that could not come from me. So, I prayed a dangerous prayer. Yeah, I prayed for God to punish me how He seemed fit (all the while thinking He would not punish me, but still serious).

That same night, my manager came up to me and informed me that I would have to work an extra hour. Normally, that wouldn’t really throw me for a loop and I would have been fine with it. However, I had church that night and had been looking forward to it all week. I was honestly bummed out that I couldn’t go. The college minister had been explaining how this week’s and next week’s no one should miss because they would be that great. I desperately wanted to self-harm after all this to let out my frustrations/sorrow, but I knew God didn’t want me to do that…so I resisted by going to the library with a friend after work. The next morning really threw me for a loop when I asked my best friend what the sermon had been about that I missed. She said that it was about Solomon’s wisdom about being ensnared by sexual sin. Re-read that last line (I read it a few times myself). So not only did I get punished to not go to church, but it was a sermon that I actually needed to hear. Was this God’s way of convicting me with how if I had gone I wouldn’t have taken it seriously and would have continued in rebellion through my sexual sins regardless if I had heard the sermon? Well that’s just plain discouraging if it is… If God doesn’t have faith in me that I can change…how in the world am I supposed to have faith in myself and to forgive myself? I know what you’re probably thinking…Okay, yeah in a way I can’t change by myself. The only way is through Jesus. Honestly, I’m still not sure of why everything happened like it did…but you know what? God is just…He is my only judge…and no matter how difficult it gets I am going to continue to resist and not harm myself…I will try my best to accept whatever God punishes me with.

I know I have been talking about His punishment a lot…and I just want to say something here-It says in His Word that God disciplines those He loves. I need to rest in that. And Jesus has already paid the price for my sins and forgiven me so I need to rely on His strength to change.

Speechless

God’s love and perfect timing always leaves me completely speechless.

This morning I woke up distraught. I don’t know why really… I was alone and suddenly thoughts of self-harm flooded my mind.
Condemning thoughts circled around me trying to keep me weighed down. Later as I was working I almost broke down crying because of how much I was fighting to not harm myself. I started to think about my friendships and in my mind it felt like I didn’t have any deep friendships… all my relationships were just acquaintance like. I explained this to a couple friends, but texting them about it only caused me to feel more depressed.

Later, this woman came over to visit with my aunt and the topic of homosexuality came up.

Now, I haven’t explained on this blog my recent revelation from the Lord regarding myself and this topic…I’ll tell you right now that I no longer profess as Pansexual or Bisexual as the world defines. I don’t even label my sexual orientation anymore first of all-HOWEVER, I believe that I have a future husband. Honestly though? If I don’t have a future husband I think I could live with that and just spend my days running after Jesus because HE is what matters most in my life. And well I DO consider myself pansexual in a way but not in the worlds definition of being open to having SEX with whatever gender, etc. But instead I define it now as being open to love (as defined in the Bible) anyone regardless of gender, race, sins, etc. I’m sorry if this is confusing to anyone. I may explain further in a future blog entry. But back to how God left me speechless tonight-

Well this woman went on to explain that the new NIV translation has an editor that is a professing lesbian that has been cutting out verses in the Bible and completely changing some verses. This is insane if it is true. And I just want to say right here-in NO way am I saying that homosexuality is an out right sin…because honestly, I don’t have that answer. Only, God does… And I strongly believe He looks at the heart…so if your heart is in the right place then I don’t see anything sinful about it…but again-Only God can say if it is or not a sin so do not take my opinion as solid truth. Pray. Pray. And pray some more. BUT anyone changing God’s Word really breaks my heart. So many people carry the NIV translation in today’s world and so many don’t realize that version is being changed so much and THAT is heart-breaking. So of course this news only caused me to be more depressed…

Suddenly, a friend called me out of the blue.
At first I didn’t answer and just texted her saying I would call her back.

Now, if you know me…I honestly (though I’m ashamed to admit it) will forward calls and text the person coming up with every excuse in the book to not talk on the phone (I don’t know why I do this-but I do). Something was telling me that I NEEDED to call her back (I believe it was God).

So, I called her and we talked for almost two hours (with a 30 min break in between). We didn’t even talk that entire time either. I believe almost an hour of being on the phone we were just silent. The silence bugged me at first because I felt like we needed to talk because it was over the phone…but then it became one of the most calming things ever. She told me she would never hang up on me and the silence just hit me in the right way. Then I began to think about God. A lot of the times He is silent with us. He listens. And sometimes we listen back and all we hear is silence. But sometimes just knowing that He is there with us is the most calming and reassuring thing in the world especially knowing that He has all the time in the world and will never “hang up” on us. Just as my friend listened to my silence was calming and reassuring as well.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that God worked through her to reach me tonight and I will not be hurting myself tonight no matter how much my heart tries to condemn me especially after reading this verse:
“And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”~1 John 3:19-21 (KJV)