I Was Born Gay

In this blog I’m about to deconstruct the phrase that everyone these days throws around, “I was born this way!” In today’s world, our reason for having certain identities, sexuality’s, stutters, disorders, etc is that we were simply born that way. You cannot judge me because I didn’t CHOOSE to be born this way!

You’re right. You didn’t choose.

However, what if I were to tell you that you can choose to chip away things you were born with that truly are NOT you? What if I told you we are here to figure out who the REAL us is underneath what we were originally born as?

It’s like a caterpillar that eventually becomes a butterfly…nothing like how he was born.

Are you still following me with where I am going?

Let me take you on a journey.

A journey of who I was born as VS. who I am becoming.

I was born into sin. From a very young age I knew I was different. I’ve been attracted to girls for as long as I can remember. Instead of thinking I had any sort of choice in the matter, I began to fight against myself in college. Self-harm was frequent and suicide was often on my mind. I was born with a one way ticket to hell.

But Jesus. This King of kings DIED for me to get me out of hell!

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”~2 Corinthians 5:17

Through Christ, I am able to chip away the sins I was born into from my life. I have the choice to allow God to help me to become completely new from the inside out.

There are programs out there to completely “get the gay out,” but honestly I don’t believe these are totally of God. You have to balance MERCY and TRUTH for God to be in the picture.

With just truth you get deadly consequences, but with just mercy there is no lasting change.

There has to be a balance.

I’m telling you now that homosexuality is an evil spirit that has DECEIVED so many of us and so many are getting sucked into it’s evil agenda. This spirit didn’t full force deceive me and pull me into its agenda personally until AFTER I felt the Holy Spirit calling me to pray for my future husband. What does that tell you?

I may be currently single, but whoever my future husband is missed a lot of prayer from me because I was convinced that I was gay and that I had no choice otherwise. So many prayers for him unspoken and for that I am deeply grieved and sorry to whoever you are.

However, there is hope:

“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.”~1 John 3:1

I have called upon the name of Christ. I know He has died for me and you upon the cross and has risen again! Jesus is my Savior and He has also died for you so that we can all be sons and daughters of God. We no longer have to be who we were. Through Jesus Christ ALL things are possible. We can become completely new: the real us beneath all the sin.

I may have been born gay and I may still have moments where I feel attracted to another woman but through Christ I am becoming new.

Future husband, I pray that the LORD has protected you even while I strayed to follow the wolf in sheeps clothing. I pray you are running after God.

This evil spirit of homosexuality is well disguised, but I’m telling you, reader, that it’s not of God. Show mercy to your brothers and sisters that have fallen for the lies, but please also tell them the truth.

“And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.

Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.

For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.~Romans 8:10-13

I am a Child of God AND Bisexual

I used to think like so many Baptists out there.

I used to think I knew everything just by reading the Bible face value.

God shook my core and showed me I was taking the wide road.

Most Christians (definitely not all) will tell you homosexuality is a sin…an abomination. 

Then out of “love” they will point this out to someone that claims they are gay even if this gay person is clearly running after God (personally, I still make mistakes).

Instead of comforting them and embracing them just as they are they in turn push them away from God.

I did this…to myself. 

I prayed and prayed God would make me straight to protect me from myself and to please God. 

But His response wasn’t what I expected. 

He embraced me. He showered me with blessings and desires of my heart. He helped me run more after Him while being bisexual. 

I sometimes convinced myself that I was actually straight but later I realized that God didn’t want me to be ashamed of His creation. He knit every part of me. He knew what I would like and dislike. He knew who I would be attracted to and who I wouldn’t be. 

I refuse to be ashamed of part of me just because some claim that part of me is immorally wrong. God is perfect; He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. My sexual orientation is not a mistake. I refuse to hide or stay in the closet because this part of me is part of God’s creation just as my eyes, my nose, and the fact that I don’t like cilantro. 

Okay okay I don’t go around proclaiming I don’t like cilantro so why am I throwing up my hands saying I am bisexual??

Because I’m tired of people being ashamed of this part of themselves when God created EVERY part of them. I’m tired of others trying to play the judge saying that this persons sexual orientation is wrong and needs to be changed…healed…etc. 

Look at yourselves…I’m not going to insist that you straighten your hair when God made it curly…so why do you insist that I be straight when God made me bisexual? 

Do I wish I was straight? Sure. 

But God…

He makes NO mistakes. 

I am His child just as much as you are.

God is the only one who can judge each of us for we are HIS creation. 

An Apology and Confession from one Raised in a Southern Baptist Church

This will probably be the hardest letter to write in my entire life. 

I grew up in a church where homosexuality was a disgusting sin, where I was told around me that all gays were really promiscuous and all about sex. I was told that gay men often raped young boys. Yes, this was a harsh environment to grow up in. Especially when I was being told to love thy neighbor, yet detest thy gay neighbor… I was told being gay was a choice and immorally wrong. 

Fast forward to high school…I was attracted to this one guy for a little while. After him I started feeling attracted to my girl friends as well as a girl classmate. I immediately shoved the thought/feeling down and rejected it knowing it was a sin. I soon became depressed not only because another guy I became attracted to rejected me, but also because of these repressed feelings. Being gay had to be a choice if I was attracted to both men and women right? I just needed to focus on the men and choose heterosexuality…

College came quickly and before I could stop my attraction towards women I realized I had fallen in love with a friend. She was perfect to me. She was on fire for God. She was always loving and compassionate in her speech. I could sense the Holy Spirit within her. And when she would flip her hair…I became mesmerized. I imagined us on fire for God side by side. But alas, she was not attracted to me. She explained to me the verses I already knew about how it was interpreted that homosexuality was a sin. I did not choose to be attracted to her. I wanted desperately to fall in love with a man. Life would be easier and I wouldn’t be committing a sin. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take the gay out of me. I punished myself with physical harm for every girl I became attracted to. I entered a deep depression and almost killed myself… By the way she is now happily engaged to a man. 

Now, after being back home I’ve begun to realize how wrong I’ve been…How un-Christlike I’ve been. Forgive me for all these unloving thoughts that were engraved into me over the years. As I’ve slowly been deconstructing them and accepting myself more my eyes are beginning to be open to the ways of Christ. My heart has so much to say but for sake of trying to not make this too long…

Christ pursued those that were rejected by the church. He showed them His unconditional love. Through this rock hard heart of mine Christ has convinced me that being attracted to the same gender is not a choice. I have begun to find more community of loving people through the LGBTQ community than I’ve ever had before. I do not believe that being attracted to the same gender is a sin anymore. Do I still cower away in fear of what my fellow Baptists think of me for slowly coming out?  Do I fear being abandoned? Do I still try to pretend I’m heterosexual even surrounded by the LGBTQ community in person? Do I not admit that I found a church through gaychurch.org and that I simply “googled” it?

I’m ashamed to answer these questions with a yes…especially when I’m told these ideas that bisexual/pansexual people are highly active sexually. Do I want this reputation? Of course not. It’s simply not true. I’ve never had sex and I’m 23 years old AND bisexual/pansexual. It’s easier for me to come out online, but to come out in person is a challenge. Forgive me once again for being so slow to reach out in love and care for those in the LGBTQ community. Forgive me for only being able to stand up for you…for us…online. I pray that one day soon I will NOT shy away from this part of my identity out in the world. I pray that I will be able to stand along side each of you without feeling uncomfortable because of my beliefs growing up even though I am one of you. 

Lastly, please pray for me and for Christians everywhere that are being unloving. Christ, hear our prayers. Amen.

LGBTQ Homophobia: An Epidemic

She kisses her friend.
“That is wrong! You cannot do that!”
Told from age 4 to deny part of herself.

She dreams about kissing a girl.
“Homosexuality is a sin!”
As a teenager she begins to condone herself.

She loves her friend; She loves her humble spirit running after God.
“I’m praying for you like my alcoholic friend.”
Heartbroken, she hates herself.

She comes out to a friend.
“Love the sinner; hate the sin.”
Deep down she knows there is only one way to kill the “sin”.

She opens her Bible at college:
“Homosexuality is an abomination.”
Through misinterpretation she’s now standing on a chair, rope around her neck, crying out to God.

How does this story end? You tell me.
This poem is not a work of fiction. It is a true story from my life. I identify as a Christian that is pansexual. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world now, but I am also still attracted to the same gender. Many of you will be silent in response to this poem; in fact most of you will. I pray that you will not be silent for the next LGBTQ person. God loves the LGBTQ community unconditionally.

A Just God

The other day after I fell into sin through pornography, guilt and anger overwhelmed me. I desperately wanted to self-harm, but I knew that if I did that I would have been saying that I am the judge of my actions instead of God. I also would have been implying that Jesus wasn’t enough… Still…I felt like I needed some form of punishment and I knew that could not come from me. So, I prayed a dangerous prayer. Yeah, I prayed for God to punish me how He seemed fit (all the while thinking He would not punish me, but still serious).

That same night, my manager came up to me and informed me that I would have to work an extra hour. Normally, that wouldn’t really throw me for a loop and I would have been fine with it. However, I had church that night and had been looking forward to it all week. I was honestly bummed out that I couldn’t go. The college minister had been explaining how this week’s and next week’s no one should miss because they would be that great. I desperately wanted to self-harm after all this to let out my frustrations/sorrow, but I knew God didn’t want me to do that…so I resisted by going to the library with a friend after work. The next morning really threw me for a loop when I asked my best friend what the sermon had been about that I missed. She said that it was about Solomon’s wisdom about being ensnared by sexual sin. Re-read that last line (I read it a few times myself). So not only did I get punished to not go to church, but it was a sermon that I actually needed to hear. Was this God’s way of convicting me with how if I had gone I wouldn’t have taken it seriously and would have continued in rebellion through my sexual sins regardless if I had heard the sermon? Well that’s just plain discouraging if it is… If God doesn’t have faith in me that I can change…how in the world am I supposed to have faith in myself and to forgive myself? I know what you’re probably thinking…Okay, yeah in a way I can’t change by myself. The only way is through Jesus. Honestly, I’m still not sure of why everything happened like it did…but you know what? God is just…He is my only judge…and no matter how difficult it gets I am going to continue to resist and not harm myself…I will try my best to accept whatever God punishes me with.

I know I have been talking about His punishment a lot…and I just want to say something here-It says in His Word that God disciplines those He loves. I need to rest in that. And Jesus has already paid the price for my sins and forgiven me so I need to rely on His strength to change.

Speechless

God’s love and perfect timing always leaves me completely speechless.

This morning I woke up distraught. I don’t know why really… I was alone and suddenly thoughts of self-harm flooded my mind.
Condemning thoughts circled around me trying to keep me weighed down. Later as I was working I almost broke down crying because of how much I was fighting to not harm myself. I started to think about my friendships and in my mind it felt like I didn’t have any deep friendships… all my relationships were just acquaintance like. I explained this to a couple friends, but texting them about it only caused me to feel more depressed.

Later, this woman came over to visit with my aunt and the topic of homosexuality came up.

Now, I haven’t explained on this blog my recent revelation from the Lord regarding myself and this topic…I’ll tell you right now that I no longer profess as Pansexual or Bisexual as the world defines. I don’t even label my sexual orientation anymore first of all-HOWEVER, I believe that I have a future husband. Honestly though? If I don’t have a future husband I think I could live with that and just spend my days running after Jesus because HE is what matters most in my life. And well I DO consider myself pansexual in a way but not in the worlds definition of being open to having SEX with whatever gender, etc. But instead I define it now as being open to love (as defined in the Bible) anyone regardless of gender, race, sins, etc. I’m sorry if this is confusing to anyone. I may explain further in a future blog entry. But back to how God left me speechless tonight-

Well this woman went on to explain that the new NIV translation has an editor that is a professing lesbian that has been cutting out verses in the Bible and completely changing some verses. This is insane if it is true. And I just want to say right here-in NO way am I saying that homosexuality is an out right sin…because honestly, I don’t have that answer. Only, God does… And I strongly believe He looks at the heart…so if your heart is in the right place then I don’t see anything sinful about it…but again-Only God can say if it is or not a sin so do not take my opinion as solid truth. Pray. Pray. And pray some more. BUT anyone changing God’s Word really breaks my heart. So many people carry the NIV translation in today’s world and so many don’t realize that version is being changed so much and THAT is heart-breaking. So of course this news only caused me to be more depressed…

Suddenly, a friend called me out of the blue.
At first I didn’t answer and just texted her saying I would call her back.

Now, if you know me…I honestly (though I’m ashamed to admit it) will forward calls and text the person coming up with every excuse in the book to not talk on the phone (I don’t know why I do this-but I do). Something was telling me that I NEEDED to call her back (I believe it was God).

So, I called her and we talked for almost two hours (with a 30 min break in between). We didn’t even talk that entire time either. I believe almost an hour of being on the phone we were just silent. The silence bugged me at first because I felt like we needed to talk because it was over the phone…but then it became one of the most calming things ever. She told me she would never hang up on me and the silence just hit me in the right way. Then I began to think about God. A lot of the times He is silent with us. He listens. And sometimes we listen back and all we hear is silence. But sometimes just knowing that He is there with us is the most calming and reassuring thing in the world especially knowing that He has all the time in the world and will never “hang up” on us. Just as my friend listened to my silence was calming and reassuring as well.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that God worked through her to reach me tonight and I will not be hurting myself tonight no matter how much my heart tries to condemn me especially after reading this verse:
“And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”~1 John 3:19-21 (KJV)

“I Wonder if Churches do to People What Zoos do to Animals?”

Wow. Just wow. We just had a crazy storm blow through. There was rain and hail the size of baseballs! There was a tornado warning for thirty minutes and I was stuck in a tub as it rumbled and I heard the rain, hail, and wind outside. It was scary, but I prayed that God would put a hedge of protection over the city and then I saw this posted on Facebook. Wow.

And this alone shows that God is faithful and is there with us through the storms of life.

The past few days God has been removing people out of my life that really fed into my self-hatred and it just humbles me completely. God continues to amaze me day by day and I lift up these people that He removed from my life to Him and that God will forgive them for they don’t understand what they were doing. I didn’t understand what I was doing when I was so focused on what was right and what was wrong. I lost sight of the cross. I lost sight of God’s love. I lost sight of the gospel!! I had love spelled backwards…literally…and was blind to it.

I heard a few a weeks ago after I almost killed myself at church this quote: “I wonder if churches do to people what zoos do to animals?”
I still wonder about that quote, and I can definitely see what they were saying.

Jesus did not come to condemn us or tell us we are wrong. He came to love on us unconditionally. To eat with us. To clothe us. He even SERVED us. He did not have to do any of that. He is a king! He could have done anything-God was on His side after all- But He chose to love us.

So maybe you or someone you know believes that being LGBTQ is a sin/choice…well if you believe it, please be slow to speak and quick to listen when someone says they are gay. Pray for them, do not preach at them (they have heard it all before), and just simply love on them like Jesus would.

And if you know someone that believes this…have mercy for them. I was once there myself–which is what almost led to my funeral…  Sometimes it looks like out right hate–but maybe they just so strongly believe that you won’t be with them in eternity if you don’t change and that’s what keeps them firm… Pray for them, avoid arguing, love them anyways, and seek Jesus because I promise you His love remains unconditional (from my own experience) and He will comfort you through the storm.

Jesus is teaching me to love…for real…for the first time ever.

February 8th, 2014-Caution: May Trigger

The day I almost killed myself.

To this day, most people think I almost killed myself purely due to pressure and feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life.
Though those things may be true…my sexual orientation is really what was pushing me towards the edge.
Ashamedly, I have not been able to open up about this fact to others…though I am excited to say I have been coming out of the closet slowly.

On that day darts of poison were being shot at me left and right within me. Waking up to text messages that to me seemed filled with words of condemnation only hindered me further. This person has the view that sexual orientation is a choice…but it is not.
Here is how I personally know this:

I personally was very homophobic and biphobic (I did a splendid job at hiding this from others, but it was there boiling in my heart). One of my really good friends from high school had told me she was a lesbian and I wrestled with that. In my mind it was a choice and I felt this need to reach out to her…to point her to Jesus. The only issue was that she was already a follower of Christ…and then I realized it was not a choice when suddenly I began to truly look within myself.

When I was only four I had kissed my best friend that was a girl on the lips and had been told fiercely that the action was wrong and I should not do that again. I took that reaction to heart and repressed all my feelings for a very long time.

I was homophobic and biphobic because I feared these sexual orientations that I did not understand…I felt like people would go to hell because of them. When I realized I was attracted to girls I punished myself for it. Day in and day out I would choke myself….drown myself….bang my head against the wall….scream….hide from the world. Yet no matter what I did…I could not simply choose to be heterosexual. I saw my ex’s (who was a guy) private parts and when I was not attracted to it I felt there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was a mistake because I could not stop feeling attracted to girls…

I had come to the point of no return where I felt that I had been abandoned to sin (what I thought was a sin) and felt the only way to get right with myself and with God was to kill myself. At least that is what was partially going on in my mind…But extreme FEAR of being separated from God forever and ever kept me standing on that chair as my neck was tied in the closet. Though I almost slipped off the chair once…I never kicked it away with my neck tied.

There are so many details about this event that brings God ALL the glory…but I want to save all of the details for a later blog post. For now, I want to skip ahead to the present.

God has been softening my heart SOOO much towards the LGBTQIA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual) community.
You are probably curious why I have decided to identify as Pansexual when I previously stated how much stronger my attraction is towards girls. Well, one reason I chose this identification was to make peace with the inner war within myself (the phobic/fearful part that feels I should be open to guys forever). Another reason is because I really do believe gender/parts/appearance have no eternal significance in the end for a long-lasting relationship/marriage. I believe these ideas have been socially constructed more than just biological.

Recently, I went through an ALLY training at my college and we learned all about the LGBTQIA community. It just so happened that two people I knew were in that room as well and another girl who I believe identifies as pansexual was in there too. God truly humbled me through this by displaying his overflowing/unconditional love in that room especially towards this other girl that identified as pansexual. She reminded me a LOT of myself and I felt it was no coincidence God had us both there. I had built up all this hate towards myself because of my sexual orientation and seeing her standing there completely vulnerable and exposed yet loved unconditionally really opened my eyes to the love of God and how He is NOT about rules and regulations.

I am nowhere near perfect, but one thing is for sure…God has definitely been showing me how Perfect Love casts out ALL Fear.

I’m Not in Kansas Anymore

Well I am back home at my apartment completely alone.
I do have to comment though that my Uncle-in-laws death was a blessing for a little bit. I got to catch up with one of my cousins who lives in California and I even cried next to my other cousin during the funeral-I haven’t cried with someone in FOREVER…then as I saw my three year old cousin crying too the tears just flooded…
Now I’m back and sick…
My friend would probably tell me I’m sick because of the “sin” I’m caught up in. If only she realized that makes me feel like trash. She tells me to die to myself constantly… I can’t just change my sexual orientation. For as long as I can remember I’ve never truly had a bias to who I liked — society is what caused me to close one eye and only pay attention to guys because anything else was “unnatural”.
Right now I just feel like I am a snail hiding in it’s shell…completely misunderstood. One day this small voice will be heard.