The day I almost killed myself.
To this day, most people think I almost killed myself purely due to pressure and feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life.
Though those things may be true…my sexual orientation is really what was pushing me towards the edge.
Ashamedly, I have not been able to open up about this fact to others…though I am excited to say I have been coming out of the closet slowly.
On that day darts of poison were being shot at me left and right within me. Waking up to text messages that to me seemed filled with words of condemnation only hindered me further. This person has the view that sexual orientation is a choice…but it is not.
Here is how I personally know this:
I personally was very homophobic and biphobic (I did a splendid job at hiding this from others, but it was there boiling in my heart). One of my really good friends from high school had told me she was a lesbian and I wrestled with that. In my mind it was a choice and I felt this need to reach out to her…to point her to Jesus. The only issue was that she was already a follower of Christ…and then I realized it was not a choice when suddenly I began to truly look within myself.
When I was only four I had kissed my best friend that was a girl on the lips and had been told fiercely that the action was wrong and I should not do that again. I took that reaction to heart and repressed all my feelings for a very long time.
I was homophobic and biphobic because I feared these sexual orientations that I did not understand…I felt like people would go to hell because of them. When I realized I was attracted to girls I punished myself for it. Day in and day out I would choke myself….drown myself….bang my head against the wall….scream….hide from the world. Yet no matter what I did…I could not simply choose to be heterosexual. I saw my ex’s (who was a guy) private parts and when I was not attracted to it I felt there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was a mistake because I could not stop feeling attracted to girls…
I had come to the point of no return where I felt that I had been abandoned to sin (what I thought was a sin) and felt the only way to get right with myself and with God was to kill myself. At least that is what was partially going on in my mind…But extreme FEAR of being separated from God forever and ever kept me standing on that chair as my neck was tied in the closet. Though I almost slipped off the chair once…I never kicked it away with my neck tied.
There are so many details about this event that brings God ALL the glory…but I want to save all of the details for a later blog post. For now, I want to skip ahead to the present.
God has been softening my heart SOOO much towards the LGBTQIA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual) community.
You are probably curious why I have decided to identify as Pansexual when I previously stated how much stronger my attraction is towards girls. Well, one reason I chose this identification was to make peace with the inner war within myself (the phobic/fearful part that feels I should be open to guys forever). Another reason is because I really do believe gender/parts/appearance have no eternal significance in the end for a long-lasting relationship/marriage. I believe these ideas have been socially constructed more than just biological.
Recently, I went through an ALLY training at my college and we learned all about the LGBTQIA community. It just so happened that two people I knew were in that room as well and another girl who I believe identifies as pansexual was in there too. God truly humbled me through this by displaying his overflowing/unconditional love in that room especially towards this other girl that identified as pansexual. She reminded me a LOT of myself and I felt it was no coincidence God had us both there. I had built up all this hate towards myself because of my sexual orientation and seeing her standing there completely vulnerable and exposed yet loved unconditionally really opened my eyes to the love of God and how He is NOT about rules and regulations.
I am nowhere near perfect, but one thing is for sure…God has definitely been showing me how Perfect Love casts out ALL Fear.
Found and Loved Through Christ 